Had an epiphany the other day that I am, despite all evidence that may show otherwise, a GROWN-UP.
The fact that I’m calling my adulthood being a “grown-up” is reason for me to believe that I still haven’t really wrapped my late-blooming head around that fact. I should’ve probably stopped being in awe of this the first time I moved out. Or the time I turned 21. Or the time my friends and family members started gettin’ hitched and having kids etc etc.
But nope, I stil kind of think I haven’t reached full-on, hardcore adulthood yet.
So when – and how – did my epiphany hit?
My boyfriend, who is more like my favourite person in the whole world, confirmed he wanted to put up with me till his dying days, knelt in the rain and pulled out a piece of bling we are now looking to get insured and appraised. I cried. He cried. I joyfully announced it to random people walking past. They congratulated us.
But that’s not when my epiphany hit. It hit when I got home to call the parentals. I looked down at my left hand and the grin grew and grew. Then I noticed my right hand and saw the $3 ring I bought on sale at Lovisa. It was shaped like a skull. It was supposed to look like silver but bits of not silver (I want to say copper?) were showing through. It looked liked a teenager could wear this ring.
It looked like the complete opposite of what my new ring was and what it represented.
I felt like such a fool, like one of those people you see who could really rock a sophisticated outfit but just end up wearing shit from Supre coz they read too many trashy mags and watch too much reality TV. Then I realised I was probably doing a bit of self-sabotage in this area anyway.
Like the way I come home at the end of every day and do next to no cleaning up, not even a little bit, coz I still act as if I live with the parentals and the dishes will clean themselves, somehow. Hell, I paid for the washing detergent and I bought the plates. I should be able to look after them.
Or the way the inside car handle on the driver’s side of my car snapped and I still haven’t gotten around to fixing it (or rather, organising for someone else to fix it). I paid that car off and it was the best feeling when I got rid of my biggest debt – I should be able to keep that momentum going and put a little love into my car.
Or the way I decided, when I was quite comfortable in an old job, to throw it all in and follow my heart. It takes courage to change career paths and I did it. The development has been slow and there is still so much I want to achieve and learn, but I did it. But I don’t think I give myself enough credit for this move. In fact, if anything, I should use this and build on it too.
I feel like a fraud, like I don’t know if I am a grown-up or not. Like that episode when Monica turns 30 and she completely stuffs up her thank-you speech at her birthday. Old enough to be a thirty year old, but too stupid to do with class.
That’s how I feel like I’m living my whole life!
Ahhhh, the getting of wisdom comes with age, right?
In a little (long) while, I will be part of something bigger than just me. And that’s the most grown-up I’ll ever be. Until a third wheel comes along. But I’m definitely not grown-up enough for that.