My previous post was balls-out about empowerment and not caving to society’s pressures to be a certain ideal.
Today, I realise I am not taking care of myself, and while I don’t want to look like a Hollywood doll churned out by the Plastic Surgery Machine, I also don’t want to look like I can’t be fucked doing anything about my health and wellbeing.
See that? Even that phrase, “I don’t want to look like”. Now I’ve outed myself, because the kicker is that the reason I want to get my health back on track is not solely because I want to live well and feel well and appreciate my health and my life and the world, it’s because I’m starting to look gross.
So I’m just as superficial as everyone else. Bleccccccccccccccch. I sent a msg to the boy about how I look like a wombat. A round ball of no discernable shape. Cute as they are, they are just … round. I don’t want to be a wombat.
I’ve also tried, tried and tried and tried again, to get up early to get my writing done and about 90% of the time so far I have failed, failed failed.
I keep telling myself, “If you want to stop starting from scratch, then stop giving up“.
So I’ve failed. Well, fuck it. I’m gonna keep failing untill I don’t fail anymore. Which I WILL DO. I will get there. I have to be less of a “it’s all over” type of person.
And so … this leads me to lunch. Healthy salad it is, then …
As in, it’s a real body. Designed to, you know, DO STUFF. Like move one foot in front of the other and propel you forward. Like get your brain to tell your arms to lift up into the air, and wave around like you just don’t care. All that kind of stuff.
Lately I’ve been pressing my nose a little too close to the mirror to scrutinise the wrinkles around my eyes and the size of my pores on my nose and little blemishes on my face. When I’m done with that, I take off my shirt and stand in my undies, turn sideways and bemoan my little pot belly and my nothing boobies and my everything that is wrong with me.
But what the hell is wrong with me??
Bloody nothing, except for the fact that I do not look like anyone from Who Weekly, or these women in the pics above (who I’m sure are lovely people). I shouldn’t care, because for the most part I am healthy and well fed, and anything that is unhealthy about me is my own fault because I over-indulge in lazing about and eating lots of stuff that does my body no good (there’s a tub of Cookie Cream Commotion in the freezer whispering, “Graaaab a spoooon … do it nooooooow”).
So nothing’s wrong with me, body wise. I can run and jump and walk and see and hear and smell and taste and all the rest of it.
So it was with great pleasure that I found a post by young mum N’Tima Preusse called Babies Ruin Bodies, and what she says is that her body is NOT ruined by the birth of her baby, but enhanced because of it. Because her body is now a mother’s body, one made to give nourishment and care and support and shelter to her baby.
I’m not a mother, and I’m not even really thinking about motherhood in the immediate future, but I am so happy that there is someone out there who hasn’t lost the plot and gone the way of thinking that the only beauty out there is artificial or Hollywood-inspired and that if you don’t fall into that category you are not beautiful. It’s made me hopeful that the future isn’t doomed to superficiality, and beauty isn’t always based on a Kardashian’s paparazzi shot.
I’m hoping it won’t get to the point where aesthetic plastic surgery becomes the norm and everyone gets it, and then in generations gone by we won’t even know what “real” looks like anymore, or we will know it so well we won’t want it.
So really chuffed I found N’Tima’s blog and post. The world is safe. I’m not bikini model beautiful, but I’m cool with that. My body is in reasonable working order and it’s up to me to ensure it continues to run on all cylinders.
… but it’s so damn hard!
My bed feels like a cloud
It even smells like sleep (in a good way)
My boy snores in bed next to me, so that just makes me not want to get up. How am I supposed to get up when someone else isn’t. Ironically, he gets up before me. Fail on me.
I go to bed at like, 2am most nights (lol, nights) so I’m phuckn buggered when it’s normal person morning time
I need ACTUAL FOOLPROOF TIPS for becoming a morning person.
Step one, sleep earlier the night before. I geddit.
Hells bells! If I never buy another stick of lipgloss again in my life, I’ll be OK! The search is over, I found a goody.
Stila lipgloss in Cranberry is a keeper. It’s a bit cha-ching, but it’s the colour I like and it STAYS PUT. So I can drink my coffee and it lasts through all of that.
I tried looking for lipgloss that had a bit of red-pink in it, wasn’t too bright but wasn’t too pale. In Macy’s in Manhattan in June, when I was away on holidays, I walked up to the Origins counter and asked the sales assistant for a lipgloss that looked kind of natural. What I walked out with was bright red lipgloss. I don’t know what that lady’s idea of “natural” was, but I should’ve taken her caked on face as a sign that subtlety wasn’t something she was familiar with.
When I tried the Stila lipgloss on for the first time the other day I had a bit of a panic attack (on the bus, where I usually apply my makeup. A lot of women are disgusted by this but they can go phuck themselves coz I love sleeping in every morning and I have a 10min walk in the sun to the bus stop) because you have to activate the liquid to come up the tube and onto the brush, and I think I turned the little thingy at the end of the tube one too many times coz it was real thick. But I got used to it. But maaaaaaaaaan do I like the look of it!
I can’t kiss the boy while it’s still fresh on my mouth, but my lips are real shiny though.
I am a convert. I’ll admit on the weekend I walked into a Mecca Cosmetica store to buy Dermalogica skincare and then I walked out with lipgloss. Buyer’s remorse lasted all of 1 hour.
And now I will wear this lipgloss all the livelong day.
Finding good everyday makeup is like finding jeans you can wear for any occasion. I think I’m onto a winner with this lipgloss though – woo hoo!
I could’ve started today immediately thinking, “Today is a sh!thouse day”. For a lot of my friends and everyone around me, it’s back to work day right after the holidays. Technically, I was back at work on 2nd January (which in itself was imminently horrible), but I liked getting wrapped up in everyone else’s idea of bleccccch.
It’s easier for me to think of what’s wrong with everything than to think of what’s right. I have to make a conscious effort to look for the good. I think coz I was brought up to be really cautious a lot of the time so now I go from either blind faith, no consequences involved to sit on my hands, don’t make any decisions.
But I found this Buzzfeed post and now I believe the world is inherently a good place after all. I still think about the time SIX MONTHS AGO (I am weird) when this guy yelled at me on the street for bumping into him while he was rushing to the bus stop. Like, he got really upset with me and even now when I relive it I still feel hurt and angry (because, like I said, I am weird). But these 35 Pictures That Prove The World Isn’t Such A Bad Place are proof that I need to build a bridge and get over myself, because the world is good if you look for the good.
Today (because it may change each time I revisit this post), my favourite image is no. 9 (Dan and his Coffee Runs), because it reminds me of this clip below. And I CRIED OPENLY when I watched this.
Don’t get emotional over this – I DARE YOU.
First day back at work after the long luxurious silly season (although I did work from home) but maaaaaaaaaaaaaan listening to TED talks whilst working has been GREAT.
So gonna hate when it’s a full office again on Monday, or tomorrow. Two awesome soundbites I took from my talks this arvo include:
When you achieve your dreams, it’s not so much what you get, but who you have become in achieving them …
– Henry David Theroux
When you can’t relate to someone, you don’t envy them
– Alain De Botton (why we’re not envious of the queen even though she’s rich and lives in a big house)
That’s a bit dramatic. Still, that’s how I feel.
The start of the new year and although I’ve got a lot of goals to hit this year, I am happy – yes, there’s that word again – that I am beginning the year not a slovenly, drunken mess who got out of bed at 3pm after an all-night bender. I feel fresh and in the zone.
So happy to be happy. So happy to be content.
Also, I took the Facebook app off my phone. Met up briefly with a buddy earlier and she said she did the same thing, prompting me to do it too. She said she already feels like she’s not wasting time on the phone checking her newsfeed. Brilliant, it’s amazing how just the simplest action can achieve so much. On the other hand, it’s scary how monumental this action is for me. Ha – Crackbook addict that I am.
Had the best day with friends at the beach a few weeks ago. My fiancee reminded me that our friends are our family, and that we’re blessed to have wonderful people in our lives. It was just a nice day out, a nice way to reaffirm the theory I believe will lead me towards a more meaningful life. That I have to be happy to allow happiness into my life. That gratitude is the key to being happy regardless of your circumstances. That you have to revel in the positive in your life to let more happiness in. That happiness doesn’t have to be elusive to you just because you’re not “successful” (in whatever defines success to you).
So I’m starting to feel a little better these days, knowing that I can allow myself to be happy even if there are still goals I want to hit. I’m also finding (LOL “finding”, as if I’ve had all this time to digest this information and put it into practice, but in actual fact it’s just been the last two weeks. Although, what a great fortnight it’s been since I planted this into my brain) that allowing your default temperament to be set at “happy” doesn’t mean you’re deliriously ecstatic all the time.
But then I thought about why I wasn’t allowing myself to be “happy” lately and it was mostly because of career stuff. I was associating my worth and my happiness so heavily against my career trajectory that I forgot that I can be happy AND still have career ambition.
I recently revisited an article on the Tiny Buddha site called 4 Myths about Doing What You Love for Work. I think I read this at the time when I was questioning my career. I feel like I’ve already solved that mystery now, but now I’m grappling withhow to grow in my career without making work all-consuming.
The first point in the article talks about that old adage, “Do what you love and the money will follow”. I interpreted that as saying that because we associate so much of our career success on how much money it will generate for us, perhaps we need to redefine our idea of success, and make it more about doing what we love, career-wise. Instead, if you want a career in something you love doing, but it’s not financially lucrative, then success can be about how fulfilling the role is. I mean you might have to make up the finances in other areas or cut down on some things that don’t fit the budget (which we can all do), but you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you are doing something worthwhile with your life.
So this is how I’m going to view my career. How personally fulfilling it is for me and how much of my talents I am using to make myself useful.
I tried for so many years to stick to New Years resolutions but I don’t think I’m going to make a list this year. This time, it’s not so much a New Years resolution – it’s a life-changer. I’m going to do things that are good for me, things that benefit me. If it won’t benefit me in the long run or won’t be useful to me or anyone around me, then I’m not going to bother with it.
Living life happy! 🙂